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Dear Marcel,
I'm wondering if I should sign up for this heaven thing I've just recently heard about. -- Dick Morello

Is it worth signing up for heaven? Well this is a very involved question for me to answer, because the answer lies entirely in your own personal beliefs and value judgements. However, I will warn you that once you sign up for the free trial they just bring you in to sell you on a bunch of perks and programs that you really don't need and are never going to use. I mean really, who needs more than two -- maybe three -- virgins? They're only good for so much, and, my God, the teeth! Also, it should be common knowledge by now that they do sell your address to multiple mailing lists. I don't need to tell you what kind of pain in the ass that can be. To further investigate the virtues of membership in Heaven we should now turn to the most holiest of scriptures: song lyrics. There are many interpretations of Heaven in song. The first we shall examine is the Lady In The Radiator song 'œIn Heaven,'? from the David Lynch cult classic Eraserhead.

In Heaven everything is fine
In Heaven everything is fine
In Heaven everything is fine
You got your good things
and I got mine.

Now this sounds quite nice. Everything is fine and we've all got our good things. But is fine really worth a lifetime of self-denial and sacrifice? And don't you think it's a tad repetitive? The combination of wording and repetition leaves the impression that being in Heaven is a lot like visiting your grandparents as a child--it's nice enough, but man is it dull.

This last though leads us directly to The Talking Heads' 'œHeaven.'?

There is a party, everyone is there.
Everyone will leave at exactly the same time.
Its hard to imagine that nothing at all
could be so exciting, and so much fun.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.

As you can see, this confirms our original suspicion that Heaven is a dull and monotonous place--and eternally so to boot! But at the same time they interpret the monotony as still being exciting and fun, presumably based on the virtue of its heavenliness.

Next we examine a curious little passage from long time biblical scholars Pavement.

Heaven is a truck
it got stuck
on the breeze
asked the driver nicely,
I need a lift,
I need release.

This passage is full of paradox. The statement that Heaven is a truck indicates that the great beyond is an everyman's paradise. Things are looking up for our subject of inquiry. But immediately after, it is stated that this truck is stuck, and not in any heavy mud or a piss-yellow snow bank, but on something as innocuous and intangible as a breeze. How could a place purported to be the home of eternal happiness, created by an all-powerful and compassionate being, possibly be such a lemon? The concluding lines indicate a hope of the good that may come from belief and resignation to a blissful afterlife, but whether or not this prayer for deliverance is ever answered we never find out.

Our final examination comes from the writings of Belinda Carlisle:

In this world we're just beginning
To understand the miracle of living
Baby I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh Heaven is a place on earth

This puts the final nail in the Heaven myth. For all humanity's desire for comfort and paradise beyond this life it is important to take note that life itself is a discovery and it is a joy to figure out its complexities one day and a time. And furthermore it turns out that for all the empty seeking, Heaven is upon this very earth on which we dwell -- found in the touch of a tender woman or the embrace of her man.

I hope you have found this little primer useful, Dick. Good luck on your journey through this life and the next. And may I leave you with these ancient words of wisdom: Caveat Emptor.